What Price Was Payed?

I can see them falling
My vision clouds pink
The drops much deeper.
Yet again the cost
Of my life increases
What price was payed?

That drug lifts me up
To great heights, to plunge
Me to greater depths
Plumbing forgotten caverns
In search of dark treasure
What price was payed?

From within, groaning and tears
Light seems far from me
Turn back to find His
Pierced hand reaching, lean
Into His sweet embrace
What price was payed?

As a child hand in
Hand, "Lead on my Lord,"
The path clear: into the light
Always in view, stands
Dripping wooden silhouette
What price was payed?

Offering Value

This is a good day to reflect on where I am. Similar to the effect of birthdays and New Years, this day marks two years following the day I finally surrendered to Christ.

When I started this site I was regularly writing of things I believed God was teaching me. I didn't have an outlet or community to share with and so used this hoping that something might be found useful to another. Over time I drifted from there to being focused on the need to produce new things to post here. I tried different things for inspiration and gave myself artificial due dates. There were some lapses marking sin or depression or simple writer's block. In the last few months I've found myself looking back at previous posts to find truths I wish I had known and applied in the previous week. I was posting things which I promptly forgot and never applied. Clearly I wasn't learning what I claimed to be learning. If what I was writing did not teach me, how could I teach another? I know there was truth in my writing, but I believe I lost insight in much of it.

So with this past month's break to think about where I've been and where I am, I've come to conclusion that it is better to allow posts to come at their natural pace. Not bound by a predefined schedule, but released after effort, time, and consideration. To only post here what is of worth. It will be up to me maintain the discipline of continuous writing that practice requires, but that will become a background activity. I expect in practice this will mean posts will be even more rare.

As far as I can tell there are now only two or three regular readers out there. So to you, I offer apologies again for any perceived loss. If that number ever changes for greater or less I will no longer know, as I have now disabled my counter software so that I will no longer fret or be anxious about who might be lurking out there or who may be finding their way here.

Tringard "Josh Martin"

Time for a break

I have taken a lot of breaks unintentionally in the past from posting here. But this month I have decided to take an "official" break while I ponder the intent of this site. It has certainly strayed from what I described at the start and thus I feel as though I need to rebuild a vision of what this site means to me.

I will return August 1st with the results of this month and what I intend, whether this site should continue or not.

Still More Grace

Thank you Lord for letting me see
Baring my heart's deceit
I weep for the sin which abounds
More than I knew hides here
It conceals itself in noble
Pursuits; desires, righteous,
It hides in matters, gray; what more
Lurks still, hidden in me?
Teach me to love, desire Your Grace
I see how much I need
Just for what You have revealed here
Set my focus on You
Turning my eyes and heart to see
Only You, Your holiness;
I want to desire Your goodness
Daily filled wanting You
To grow in Your grace, not for sin
To grow still more; but Grace
To walk in Your ways, righteousness,
Grace to live, pleasing You.

----------------------------------------------------

Learning from Piper's second message at New Attitude 2007 - Discerning What Pleases God: Personal Obedience (available to listen to and download here)

Prayer for Healing

On Monday and Tuesday, Focus on the Family aired the majority of a message given by John MacArthur on the National Day of Prayer last month in which he used Romans 1 to say, "I'm convinced, beyond doubt, that in the same sense, God has abandoned America" (that sense being as God giving Israel over to their idols as is in, for example, Judges 10:6-7).

----

One day, all will bow down
Seeing Your holiness; worship
Will be the World's response.
This nation I call home has strayed
Far, embracing the world
In pursuit of sin, seeks pleasure
Forgetting You, their God;
Please restore us, work in the hearts
Of this nation to turn
See Your holiness, You are good
Through Your work alone can
We see, turn, and walk in Your ways
I long for Your return
But I desire that this, my home,
Would be looking for You
That day, All seeking to worship.

New Attitude 2007

So I was at the New Attitude conference this past weekend. A tremendous experience that I hope to write about more. For now, as a first step in collecting my thoughts, I transcribed the notes I took during the trip. Since I took those notes with the intention of sharing them with those I know, I thought I might share them here as well. You can access them at:
http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dcjn2vrv_33f5m63t

I actually arrived late Thursday and used the day and a half before the conference to explore the downtown area some. That is also recorded briefly in my notes.

There are others that took notes live (or at least posted more immediately) including Challies.com, the Rebelution, and Boundless Line. They surely took more comprehensive notes than I. Finally, all of the talks have been made available for download for free, here.

The theme this year was on Discernment and the sessions included:

• Josh Harris - Teaching an introduction to the topic
• Mark Dever - Discerning Our Doctrine, on handling conflict in the church and how to recognize when to divide and when to agree to disagree (and disagree well)
• Al Mohler - Discerning Your Culture, how to live in the world, but not of it
• CJ Mahaney - Discerning Our Hearts, on recognizing idols our hearts create (hint don't trust yourself)
• Eric Simmons - Practical Discernment, how to approach those "gray" areas in life
• John Piper - Discerning What Pleases God: Himself, classic Piper message
• John Piper - Discerning What Pleases God: Personal Obedience, Proper and improper ways to approach obedience to God
• CJ Mahaney - Take It Back, Conclusion and things to consider for how to take back so much and begin to apply it

My starting place for application is with Piper's second message. There are things in that which I believe address some of the issues I've been struggling with lately.

If you do (or don't) read my notes and have questions and comments, feel free to leave them here and I'll respond as able.

Fear the Lord

Lord, I long to be full in You,
Not seeking fulfillment in any other thing
That I will not want
But learn fear; doing good
Fleeing evil, seeking You always
Broken before You

In the many trials to come
Seized by conflicts of mind or world
You alone, not I, can save
Give to me a heart of worship
Continual worship to You, my King
You are great, alone are worthy.

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Reference: Psalms 34, particularly verses 8-10

This Day

I long to be clothed
In Your Holiness, shining
Your qualities out

Developing an inward
Change to show You to the world

This day, let me be
Disciplined before You, not
Serving my pleasures

Rather, living a life in
Your control, to Your glory.

This day, let me show
Compassion to those I meet
Forgetting anger

Frustrations over others'
Faults only obscures my own

This day, let me be
True to my word, diligent
In my works and plans

As You are faithful to mold
Me into Your perfect work

This day, let me not
Sin, striving for Your model
Of the perfect life

Shaping my character to
Yours and pointing to Your strength

This day, let me show
Your grace, caring for those who
Do me the most harm

Loving those least deserving;
You loved me: least deserving.

This day, let me let
Slide peeves and annoyances,
With blessing, honor

For You forgive me when I
Fall short of what pleases You.

This day, let me be
At peace in trial, drawing
Others to Your gifts

For it is then that my life
Declares You as its ruler

This day, let me sing
Your praises, dance without care,
And rejoice in You

For You bless my life more than
I could ever hope to share

This day, let me love
Without ceasing, loving You
And all those I meet

Discouraged, mourning, joyful
All need still more of Your love.

-----------------------------------

Based on the list found in Galatians 5:22, 23

This Day (Part 10)

This day, let me love
Without ceasing, loving You
And all those I meet

Discouraged, mourning, joyful
All need still more of Your love.

This Day (Part 9)

This day, let me sing
Your praises, dance without care,
And rejoice in You

For You bless my life more than
I could ever hope to share

This Day (Part 8)

This day, let me be
At peace in trial, drawing
Others to Your gifts

For it is then that my life
Declares You as its ruler

This Day (Part 7)

This day, let me let
Slide peeves and annoyances,
With blessing, honor

For You forgive me when I
Fall short of what pleases You.

This Day (Part 6)

This day, let me show
Your grace, caring for those who
Do me the most harm

Loving those least deserving;
You loved me: least deserving.

This Day (Part 5)

This day, let me not
Sin, striving for Your model
Of the perfect life

Shaping my character to
Yours and pointing to Your strength

This Day (Part 4)

This day, let me be
True to my word, diligent
In my works and plans

As You are faithful to mold
Me into Your perfect work

This Day (Part 3)

This day, let me show
Compassion to those I meet
Forgetting anger

Frustrations over others'
Faults only obscures my own

This Day (Part 2)

This day, let me be
Disciplined before You, not
Serving my pleasures

Rather, living a life in
Your control, to Your glory.

This Day (Part 1)

I long to be clothed
In Your Holiness, shining
Your qualities out

Developing an inward
Change to show You to the world


----------------------------------------
This is currently part 1 of 10, I don't intend to add more parts, but it could happen. I think it will read better to separate them out, so I'll be posting one a day till it is complete.

Scary Prayers 3

Lord, bring into my
Life one: lost and seeking; You
Have filled me, I wish
To share, of Your love and joy
And grace, to introduce You.

I've not the words or
The courage, so I must ask
For Your lead and strength
It is Your work entire, I
Only long to play a part

In This Place

I entered in, burdened with hopes
And cares and fears; kneeled, I
Entered to be shut in with Him.
In this place my burdens
Are lifted as His glory fills
The room, warming me from
Without with His light, igniting
My heart and mind within
"Holy, Holy, Holy to the
Lord of Grace and Glory"

Here my hopes inspire; outside clouds
Of worry weigh heavy
For here my Hope lives, my Savior
Is not hidden, obscured
Here, hopes are not mere wishes, but
Tangible, to be sought
They come through Him, come with promise
Desires placed within me
"Holy, Holy, Holy to the
Father of my Savior"

As life moves, so my cares increase
I fret, worry, despite
Knowing He will care for me. Will
All be well? Can I be
Content? Deserving punishment
For my doubts; His Spirit
Draws me close, bringing peace, comfort,
Making God known to me
"Holy, Holy, Holy to the
Sender of my comfort"

I long to be here always, my
Mind on Him, and my heart
Near; that in His strength I would not
Cower, but temptation
Would flee and sin's condemnation
Would hold no sway. Rather,
That my life would be a vessel
To proclaim God's glory.
"Holy, Holy, Holy to the
One working within me."

His Path

I oh so long to rhyme
To write of prayer and friend
To sing God's glory
And praise His majesty.
Thanking for His blessings
And calling for His lead
That we may know
Which way to turn
To live for Him only.
Knowing through all:
Trouble and trial,
That He is near
Working out His plan
In concealed mystery
That all will be a'right;
He gave me a part to play
Thank Him always
Walking in His peace;
For the path before was laid,
For each, tailor made.

Praise 3

You loved when I was
A worthless slave; drew, saved me.
Insufficient are
Words to express my love which
I long to sing back to You

--------------------------------------------

Certainly worth mentioning, the results of the Modesty Survey put on by the people at The Rebelution have been released.

Noise

The world's noise is great;
Finding peace while basking in
Glory of the Lord

Drive, Slow

An odd twist of personality, at
Times filled with sense of purpose - the need to
Create, whether in inspiration of
Pen or frivolous greatness in moments
Of fun. Along with this desire, my strength
Is sapped, the energy greatness requires
Deserts me as the drive comes. So I stand
Drained, but desiring action. All slows
As I desperately seek hidden strength,
Feeling the world - sound and silence, rush and
Stillness - stream over, threatening release
Of gravity's effects. If I close my
eyes and step, will I greet ground? Instinct says
I will melt into void; so planted, let
Action play out in darkness. Time stretches
And slows as my grasp on this space struggles
For purchase. Perceptions altered, concerns
For threads bound to community fade; for
Loneliness hungers always for my soul.

While energy is gone, emotion is
Amplified. Reasons are lost, never to
Be discovered. As time washes over
Me, so fleeting memories rush about
Tickling, pricking at my conscious mind
Triggering emotions and memories
Unexplained. Feel simultaneously
And again desires for adventure, deep
Sadness, contentment and satisfaction.
I don't know whether I should stand and sleep,
Or sit and write, or lay and pray; whether
I should rejoice or cry or just be. Choose
One, I long for another, but strength spent
I continue knowing all will pass as
Though a dream. Hope it leaves memories to
Be fond of, that the inexplicable
Moments inspire, ending not with increase
Of pride or loss in depression; but with
God, bringer of comfort, hope, peace, and strength.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I am periodically struck by
A particularly odd mood. In it
Is where I feel most like writing over
Any other time. I am not sure where
It originates from, but I'm convinced
My bouts with depression are quite often
Tied to it. Not that depression comes with
It, but that it lurks at the edge of me,
Seeking its chance. I've tried multiple times
To describe the feeling to those who care,
But the words which came previously - odd,
Detached, drained, apathetic - were always
Insufficient to encompass the rush
Of emotion, rise of inspiration,
And loss of energy. The last time I
Was in such a mood, I composed the first
Draft of the above, in an attempt to
Understand better my state. So here stands
A glimpse into the workings of my mind.

Loving God

Is my love to God
As apparent as His love
Through blessings to me?

-------
Reference: Recall What God Remembers

Slow

Stop a moment
Breathe in
Know
God lives
Is in control
Breathe out
Move
In Him
Trust His strength
As the noise returns
Threatens to consume that trust
Maintain focus on God
Breathe in, exhale
Remember peace
His

Hope in You

I have been brought low
To despair of me, but hope
Is renewed in You

For in you is all
Strength and will and compassion
To live to please You

My life is not a
Matter of giving my all
Proving love in acts.

Rather, my utmost
To seek out all areas
To be filled with Yours

--

Lord, please help me to
Continue to desire full
Surrender to You,
Always seeking anything
Which still resists Your filling